you would think i would be used to this by now...
another girl just received a token of diamond love on her finger... a beautiful gift, a symbol of promise from the love of her life. surrendering briefly to one of the common stereotypes placed upon my gender, i always become a giddy, giggling, crying mess of "girl" upon learning such news. she seems to be intensely in love, has expressed her gratitude to God for an incredible guy... and can't wait to pick out her dress, her veil, her invitations, the wedding date, the honeymoon spot, the colors for the bridesmaids dresses, the place for the rehearsal dinner, the floral arrangements, the photographer, the cake, her hair-style, the places to register, musicians for the wedding, food for the reception, the number of guests to invite, and her fiancé’s ring.
you can see it happening... something simple, pure, and holy just got placed at risk.
over the past 20 years, i've watched many fairytale dreams of mine and my friends twist and turn, taking on the form of plans. to a point, it's all completely healthy and beautiful. although i am unmarried, i have watched many of my friends walk down the aisle to the men i firmly believe the Lord intended for them, for the rest of their lives. by association, i have experienced in some small (but real!) measure, the joy and excitement they have felt.
unfortunately, i have been juggled into the circus of details, as well.
maybe it is naive for me to write such musings, being an unmarried girl... maybe there is a planning-euphoria that takes over every woman when the man she loves bends his knee to offer her his love and his life. because such ignorance and lack of experience does put me at risk, let me assure that i do not mean to offend, judge, mock, or disregard any sister who is wisely and freely enjoying in and partaking of the blessings God has placed upon this season of her life. the unrest in my spirit upon this issue is not due to the celebratory nature of the engagement-period... rather, it is due to the potentially dangerous aspect of this period which would cause (and has caused) many a wise, focused woman of God to become ensnared by the idolatry of dreams, plans, and gift registries.
... with all my heart, i cannot wait to be married. i cannot wait to have and to hold one man, with all that i am, 'till death do us part... whether we serve the food at our reception on fine-china or paper-plates, whether the number of bridegrooms match the number of bridesmaids, and whether or not my dress was on sale or custom-designed... i cannot wait for that day -
take or leave the details.
... it's just something to think about.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
burn me a goodbye
i can see that a bridge is burning. don't know what i can do to stop it, nor do i know what i did to cause it to ignite. so i go to check in my pockets, trying to find any evidence that i ever had fire on my mind.
but there's nothing left to do but watch the flames as they flicker high. and i'll always remember the nights when you burned me a goodbye. i guess this is the way it's gotta be...you're not around to explain. so i'll just stand here alone and watch the flames--watch a piece of my life as it burns away.
i don't quite understand what's happening right in front of me. watching these bright orange lights consume all up those memories. of all the thousand times i looked on your face, never thought that it would end this way. a burning bridge is something that you'll bet to never see.
but there's nothing left to do but watch the flames as they flicker high. and i'll always remember the nights when you burned me a goodbye. i guess this is the way it's gotta be...you're not around to explain. so i'll just stand here alone and watch the flames--watch a piece of my life as it burns away.
but there's nothing left to do but watch the flames as they flicker high. and i'll always remember the nights when you burned me a goodbye. i guess this is the way it's gotta be...you're not around to explain. so i'll just stand here alone and watch the flames--watch a piece of my life as it burns away.
i don't quite understand what's happening right in front of me. watching these bright orange lights consume all up those memories. of all the thousand times i looked on your face, never thought that it would end this way. a burning bridge is something that you'll bet to never see.
but there's nothing left to do but watch the flames as they flicker high. and i'll always remember the nights when you burned me a goodbye. i guess this is the way it's gotta be...you're not around to explain. so i'll just stand here alone and watch the flames--watch a piece of my life as it burns away.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
God is my Shelter
"Truly my heart waits silently for God;
my deliverance comes from Him.
In truth He is my rock of deliverance,
my tower of strength, so that i stand unshaken...
Trust always in God, my people,
pour out your hearts before Him;
God is our shelter."
Psalm 62:1-2;8
shelter. a roof over my head. a hedge. a windbreak. a warm coat. shelter from the fear of loss of this precious thing called love. from the fear of loneliness without the one person i believe i could ever love. shelter from attack--the sudden onslaught of doubt that God will take care of everything if i will simply trust Him--what if He doesn't?
waiting silently is the hardest thing of all.
i am in a holding pattern--how long is this circling going to go on?
"steadfastness, that is holding on;
patience, that is holding back;
expectancy, that is holding the face up;
obedience, that is holding oneself in readiness to go or do;
listening, that is holding quiet & still so as to hear."--S.D. Gordon
how long, Lord, must i wait?
Never mind, child. Trust Me.
my deliverance comes from Him.
In truth He is my rock of deliverance,
my tower of strength, so that i stand unshaken...
Trust always in God, my people,
pour out your hearts before Him;
God is our shelter."
Psalm 62:1-2;8
shelter. a roof over my head. a hedge. a windbreak. a warm coat. shelter from the fear of loss of this precious thing called love. from the fear of loneliness without the one person i believe i could ever love. shelter from attack--the sudden onslaught of doubt that God will take care of everything if i will simply trust Him--what if He doesn't?
waiting silently is the hardest thing of all.
i am in a holding pattern--how long is this circling going to go on?
"steadfastness, that is holding on;
patience, that is holding back;
expectancy, that is holding the face up;
obedience, that is holding oneself in readiness to go or do;
listening, that is holding quiet & still so as to hear."--S.D. Gordon
how long, Lord, must i wait?
Never mind, child. Trust Me.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
sightlessly
one day i will put this to music...hopefully.
smile with bliss,
the storm has passed.
left feeling all my questions asked,
this cold strength building within me,
resolved to follow sightlessly.
and to think that i would not have come by this way,
if i knew the price i’d pay.
but no matter…
You have brought me through the night!
and no matter, because before my eyes I see my long awaited sunrise.
so watch me dance and watch me sing,
as i bow on calloused knees.
for i have found that there is no greater satisfying thing,
than walking in obedience.
if oh to follow sightlessly.
this path before my eyes is becoming precious to my sight.
so beautiful to turn from my way.
so i guess i’m jumping now
and trusting somehow You’ll teach me how to fly.
and to think that i would not have come by this way,
if i knew the price i’d pay.
but no matter…
You have brought me through the night!
oh and no matter, because before my eyes I see my long awaited sunrise.
so watch me dance and watch me sing,
as i bow on calloused knees.
for i have found that there is no greater satisfying thing,
than walking in obedience.
if oh to follow sightlessly.
smile with bliss,
the storm has passed.
left feeling all my questions asked,
this cold strength building within me,
resolved to follow sightlessly.
and to think that i would not have come by this way,
if i knew the price i’d pay.
but no matter…
You have brought me through the night!
and no matter, because before my eyes I see my long awaited sunrise.
so watch me dance and watch me sing,
as i bow on calloused knees.
for i have found that there is no greater satisfying thing,
than walking in obedience.
if oh to follow sightlessly.
this path before my eyes is becoming precious to my sight.
so beautiful to turn from my way.
so i guess i’m jumping now
and trusting somehow You’ll teach me how to fly.
and to think that i would not have come by this way,
if i knew the price i’d pay.
but no matter…
You have brought me through the night!
oh and no matter, because before my eyes I see my long awaited sunrise.
so watch me dance and watch me sing,
as i bow on calloused knees.
for i have found that there is no greater satisfying thing,
than walking in obedience.
if oh to follow sightlessly.
cursing the space between my fingers
i feel change coming. quickly. losing things i hold tightly, dearly. i feel pushed into a corner, just looking for a way around all of it. but i see that it is inevitable. i have to grow up. sometimes it just seems like nothing i love will ever linger. everything that's good just slips away.
this is why i curse the space between my fingers.
but i suppose this is why i have kept journals--for the simple desire to gather up fragments that remain, that nothing be completely lost. And i know His plan is far beyond my imagination. That the more i perceive God's purpose in my life, the less terrible the losses, the deaths, the letting-goes will seem.
"Uneasiness about the future is unwholesome for you. You must leave to God all that depends on God, being faithful in all that depends upon yourself." -Francois Fenelon
this is why i curse the space between my fingers.
but i suppose this is why i have kept journals--for the simple desire to gather up fragments that remain, that nothing be completely lost. And i know His plan is far beyond my imagination. That the more i perceive God's purpose in my life, the less terrible the losses, the deaths, the letting-goes will seem.
"Uneasiness about the future is unwholesome for you. You must leave to God all that depends on God, being faithful in all that depends upon yourself." -Francois Fenelon
Saturday, January 31, 2009
What Providence Has Gone and Done
Out here in reality-even here i am amazed, startled. Your love is enormous. And NOTHING can separate me.
“I have become absolutely convinced that nothing in God’s whole world has any power to separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus my Lord.”
And something in me questions Paul.
Nothing, Paul? What about death?
“No. Not death.”
Life?
“No, not life.”
What happens today?
“Nope.”
Tomorrow?
“Nope.”
A power from on high?
“No power from on high or below.”
Anything else in God’s whole world?
“Nothing else whatsoever. Absolutely nothing.”
Well Paul, i think you forgot something.
“Did I?”
Matters of the heart. i’ll take the floggings and the persecution-those are the things we are supposed to bear for Christ. But what if he doesn’t notice me? What if i am rejected?
“Oh. I never thought of that.”
i don’t think so. That isn’t the answer the apostle would give. Like he would have forgotten the terrors and pitfalls love brings. (Said with deep sarcasm)Because of course if he had thought of them, he would not have been able to say “in all these things we win an overwhelming victory.” He’d have said “nor anything else except my poor broken heart, my miserable bad luck, has any power to separate me from the love of God.” He’d have added that God can take care of the big things-Paul had plenty of proof of that.
Perhaps matters of the heart would seem like little things to Paul. i have a hunch they would. Well then-what about those? Can they put me beyond His love?
The point (and i have one) is that i must learn to trust in little things, even what may seem like silly things, if i am ever going to be privileged to suffer in the big things.
“The man who can be trusted in little things can be trusted also in great; and the man who is dishonest in little things is dishonest also in great things. If, then, you have not proved trustworthy with the wealth of this world, who will trust you with the wealth that is real?”
Shipwrecks, floggings, physical pain, yes, those i would call suffering, but not a hurting heart. However, it’s no use trying to measure suffering. What matters is making the right use of it, taking advantage of the sense of helplessness it brings to turn my thoughts to God. Trust is the lesson.
Jesus loves me, this i know-not because He does just what i’d like, but because the Bible tells me so. Calvary proves it. He loved me and gave Himself for me.
And that’s what Providence has gone and done. Gloria Dios.
“I have become absolutely convinced that nothing in God’s whole world has any power to separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus my Lord.”
And something in me questions Paul.
Nothing, Paul? What about death?
“No. Not death.”
Life?
“No, not life.”
What happens today?
“Nope.”
Tomorrow?
“Nope.”
A power from on high?
“No power from on high or below.”
Anything else in God’s whole world?
“Nothing else whatsoever. Absolutely nothing.”
Well Paul, i think you forgot something.
“Did I?”
Matters of the heart. i’ll take the floggings and the persecution-those are the things we are supposed to bear for Christ. But what if he doesn’t notice me? What if i am rejected?
“Oh. I never thought of that.”
i don’t think so. That isn’t the answer the apostle would give. Like he would have forgotten the terrors and pitfalls love brings. (Said with deep sarcasm)Because of course if he had thought of them, he would not have been able to say “in all these things we win an overwhelming victory.” He’d have said “nor anything else except my poor broken heart, my miserable bad luck, has any power to separate me from the love of God.” He’d have added that God can take care of the big things-Paul had plenty of proof of that.
Perhaps matters of the heart would seem like little things to Paul. i have a hunch they would. Well then-what about those? Can they put me beyond His love?
The point (and i have one) is that i must learn to trust in little things, even what may seem like silly things, if i am ever going to be privileged to suffer in the big things.
“The man who can be trusted in little things can be trusted also in great; and the man who is dishonest in little things is dishonest also in great things. If, then, you have not proved trustworthy with the wealth of this world, who will trust you with the wealth that is real?”
Shipwrecks, floggings, physical pain, yes, those i would call suffering, but not a hurting heart. However, it’s no use trying to measure suffering. What matters is making the right use of it, taking advantage of the sense of helplessness it brings to turn my thoughts to God. Trust is the lesson.
Jesus loves me, this i know-not because He does just what i’d like, but because the Bible tells me so. Calvary proves it. He loved me and gave Himself for me.
And that’s what Providence has gone and done. Gloria Dios.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
intercession
i look at you and feel your need -
... i wish that you were free. i wish you had Peace when your world caves in,
i wish your eyes could see. i long to see your face light up from knowing why you live.
i long for you to touch True Love and feel the warmth it gives.
every day, i try to speak the Truth over the lies. i smile and greet.
i look you in the eyes. how can i speak of Rescue, how do i show you patient Grace,
how can i love you where you need it most but keep my own path straight?
i'm just getting ready for class today, but your name is on my tongue.
i ache these prayers, fight this fight, that your world might be undone.
that you might know the taste of Joy, that you could hear His voice
that you might find like you've been found...that you would make this choice.
... i wish that you were free. i wish you had Peace when your world caves in,
i wish your eyes could see. i long to see your face light up from knowing why you live.
i long for you to touch True Love and feel the warmth it gives.
every day, i try to speak the Truth over the lies. i smile and greet.
i look you in the eyes. how can i speak of Rescue, how do i show you patient Grace,
how can i love you where you need it most but keep my own path straight?
i'm just getting ready for class today, but your name is on my tongue.
i ache these prayers, fight this fight, that your world might be undone.
that you might know the taste of Joy, that you could hear His voice
that you might find like you've been found...that you would make this choice.
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