lost

letting go. at the precise point when i refuse to take this action, growing stops. if i hold tightly to anything given to me, unwilling to let it go when the time comes to let it go or unwilling to allow it to be used as the Giver means it to be used, i stunt the growth of my soul.

and this is where i tend to make the mistake. "if He gave it to me," i say, "it's mine. i can do what i want with it." NO. the truth is that it is mine to thank Him for & mine to offer back to Him, mine to lose, mine to let go-IF i want to find my true self, if i want true life, if my heart is set on glory.

"the more you perceive God's purpose in your life,
the less terrible the losses seem."
-Elizabeth Elliot

We, who have been given an intelligence and a will and a wide range of wants that can be set against the divine Pattern for Good, are asked to BELIEVE Him. We are given the chance to trust Him when He says to us"...if any man will let Himself be lost for my sake, he will find his true self."

and this is where will connects with heart. i heard it explained once that a seed does not "know" what will happen when it falls from the fruit. It only knows what is happening-the falling, the darkness, the dying. but i was made to live. really live.

and this is where i start.

splintered timber

i feel like i've been on my knees for 10 days straight. even at night when i should be sleeping, my body wakes me... i crawl out of bed if it is not too cold, or i stare at the ceiling from within these covers and i whisper prayers. as the world sleeps and the heater drones, i cry out to a God who knows me... to a God who is the only true thing i know.

this past month has been just as tumultuous as it has been exciting... and because i have never known anything in the world to go backwards from the present, i feel my heart beginning to brace itself for the months ahead. when i tally the sacrifices already made against the things that still remain in my hand... my hope evaporates. these are depths that i cannot swim, these are heights i cannot climb - this is a brokenness even the strong have not survived!

yet do i forget so easily that the crosses we bear are never made of smooth oiled wood... but rather splintered timbers crudely fastened together? do the characteristics of this specific cross make it such that i cannot and will not pick it up and carry it, as i have carried all those before it? the decision is just as easy and just as difficult as it has ever been - nothing has changed except my attachment to this world, the things and people within it. here it is, so straight and so defined: either i pick up the cross and follow Him... or i don't.

here i am.

so here i am.

an official blogger. i'm not really even sure how to do this. all i do know is that i like to write, but i don't like to capitalize my letters. ever. especially not my i's. this is because i am small compared to the Creator of the universe. the One who holds the Pleiades in His hand and grabs Orion by his belt.

i suppose i will start with this. something i have been thinking about for some time:

love, where is your fire? i've been sitting here smoking away.
making signals with sticks and odd ends and bits, but still there's no sign of a flame.
imposters have been passing, offering good-feeling glow,
but i'm holding out for what You are about - an Inferno that burns to the bone.
some urge me to be temperate, but lukewarm will never do.

'cos i, i wanna blaze with You,
so i'm holding my heart out to You,
holding my heart out.

so i stand, handing out torches,
speaking Words that are lamps to their feet.
til the time when You come and i'm whole and we are one and the Fire in me is complete.
some tell me to be moderate, but lukewarm will never do.

'cos i, i know i'll blaze with You,
so i'm holding my heart out to You,
holding my heart out.

then a doubt comes to lie at the back of my mind
that i'll offer you me and you'll politely decline,
so i hasten to mute it, I'll shout and rebuke it - "away! away, away, away!"

'cos i, i know i'll blaze with You,
so i'm holding my heart out to You,
holding my heart out.