raising ebenezers

it's all over my journals, tucked into so many songs and poems, taking over parts of my closet and even more parts of my heart - proof that i've been here before.

last night, i felt lost. i often feel that way on friday nights. (this is just me being candid - the Lord works so much on me during these friday nights!) as i was on my hands and knees trying to pick out my next book to read, i noticed all my old journals... every single one, all stacked up on a single shelf - so many thousands of monuments, epiphanies, and words all written onto paper. i found my first one from junior high and began to read it, sitting right there on the floor. i was crying after about 10 minutes. i was on my face praying after about eleven.

the Lord is my Redeemer... it was written on every page.

my first kiss, being just another plain girl in a public school, learning how to play the piano, dying my hair, getting my braces off, my first song, the way i felt when my grandpa died, conversations on IM, my first roadtrip, having a boy "name" the color of my eyes... working through the being lonely, being happy, being tired and overworked, being bored, being grateful, being bitter... since junior high - everywhere and everything - He is and has been.

...i just had to tell somebody

introspection

i had to "re-write" a popular song for one of my classes. this is what the outcome was.

single red roses and cold rainy weather
hoodies and converse and cardigan sweaters,
paper and pencils and love with no strings
these are a few of my favorite things -

coffee with no cream, a kitty that cuddles,
chasing down big dreams and jumping in puddles,
girls who can listen and guys who can sing,
these are a few of my favorite things -

when the pain bites
when the tears sting
when i'm feeling sad...
i try to remember my favorite things,
and then i don't feel so bad.

reading good fiction and playing piano
driving through late nights and feeling the mellow
cheese dip and chocolate, though calories they bring,
these are a few of my favorite things -

when the pain bites,
when the tears sting,
when i'm feeling sad...
i try to remember my favorite things,
and then i don't feel so bad.

moonlight

it just was not enough tonight to see the moon from inside these walls. i had to get out in the air and feel winter re-introduce itself to st. louis. these are the nights when it is really strange to be alone. i was laying in bed, all wrapped in blankets and thinking on dreams - and then i saw the moon.

sometimes beauty subtly affects, and other times it strikes a sort of madness into you. tonight, i had to drive. it's the strangest thing - being completely independent from human beings for a mere moment, having all your actions and thoughts being known only to God. it was bizarre, and sufficient, and true - to know Him and to be known in the soft light cast by the moon.

"You hem me in--behind and before; You have laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain...Your works are wonderful, i know that full well." Psalm 139

wait

"do not arouse of awaken love until it so desires."~Song of Songs

In obedience to God's Word we should fight to walk in the paths where He has promised His blessings. But when and how they come is God's to decide, not ours. If they delay, we TRUST THE WISDOM OF OUR FATHER'S TIMING. and we wait. --John Piper

blustering

a cold front has moved in. a few days after thanksgiving break, weather so typical to this city i loosely call home. the sky is darker than it was twenty minutes ago, and the snow falling on the ground outside is now blustering against my window. i have a few more hours before i have to get out of this dorm and meet up with some friends. until then... i listen, i learn... and i write.

i just got back a couple of days ago. what began as just another ‘break,’ soon became so much more. now that i am back "home", the lessons i have learned are sinking deeper into my heart... as lessons always seem to do, when forced again underneath the daily grind.

it took getting away, to finally find some much needed quiet time with the Lord. to realize how grateful i am for my friends, and their patience with me these past few months. it took being away, to help me decide that it is time i started playing, dreaming, creating again. too re-introduce me to the real people, the real needs hidden underneath the names and faces of those around me. and now i'm back home... home, where the will connects with my heart.

why do "home" and "being away" effect such great extremities within me? ever since i got my own car in 10th grade, going home has always been the difficult part... nothing has changed. i have tried to explain the chasm, or express it on the pages of journals. but this place is one where only the Lord can get to me - no logic, no theories can ever explain the things, the instances, the habits that He uses in our lives to keep us close to Him.

i may always live on the edge of a chasm... but when my feet slip, when i miss the cold weather, when i would curse this town, when my heart is full of love, or missing the open road... there He keeps me, there He pours His love on me. He connects will with heart, plans with purpose, and lessons with faith.

let the cold fronts come.

lost

letting go. at the precise point when i refuse to take this action, growing stops. if i hold tightly to anything given to me, unwilling to let it go when the time comes to let it go or unwilling to allow it to be used as the Giver means it to be used, i stunt the growth of my soul.

and this is where i tend to make the mistake. "if He gave it to me," i say, "it's mine. i can do what i want with it." NO. the truth is that it is mine to thank Him for & mine to offer back to Him, mine to lose, mine to let go-IF i want to find my true self, if i want true life, if my heart is set on glory.

"the more you perceive God's purpose in your life,
the less terrible the losses seem."
-Elizabeth Elliot

We, who have been given an intelligence and a will and a wide range of wants that can be set against the divine Pattern for Good, are asked to BELIEVE Him. We are given the chance to trust Him when He says to us"...if any man will let Himself be lost for my sake, he will find his true self."

and this is where will connects with heart. i heard it explained once that a seed does not "know" what will happen when it falls from the fruit. It only knows what is happening-the falling, the darkness, the dying. but i was made to live. really live.

and this is where i start.

splintered timber

i feel like i've been on my knees for 10 days straight. even at night when i should be sleeping, my body wakes me... i crawl out of bed if it is not too cold, or i stare at the ceiling from within these covers and i whisper prayers. as the world sleeps and the heater drones, i cry out to a God who knows me... to a God who is the only true thing i know.

this past month has been just as tumultuous as it has been exciting... and because i have never known anything in the world to go backwards from the present, i feel my heart beginning to brace itself for the months ahead. when i tally the sacrifices already made against the things that still remain in my hand... my hope evaporates. these are depths that i cannot swim, these are heights i cannot climb - this is a brokenness even the strong have not survived!

yet do i forget so easily that the crosses we bear are never made of smooth oiled wood... but rather splintered timbers crudely fastened together? do the characteristics of this specific cross make it such that i cannot and will not pick it up and carry it, as i have carried all those before it? the decision is just as easy and just as difficult as it has ever been - nothing has changed except my attachment to this world, the things and people within it. here it is, so straight and so defined: either i pick up the cross and follow Him... or i don't.

here i am.

so here i am.

an official blogger. i'm not really even sure how to do this. all i do know is that i like to write, but i don't like to capitalize my letters. ever. especially not my i's. this is because i am small compared to the Creator of the universe. the One who holds the Pleiades in His hand and grabs Orion by his belt.

i suppose i will start with this. something i have been thinking about for some time:

love, where is your fire? i've been sitting here smoking away.
making signals with sticks and odd ends and bits, but still there's no sign of a flame.
imposters have been passing, offering good-feeling glow,
but i'm holding out for what You are about - an Inferno that burns to the bone.
some urge me to be temperate, but lukewarm will never do.

'cos i, i wanna blaze with You,
so i'm holding my heart out to You,
holding my heart out.

so i stand, handing out torches,
speaking Words that are lamps to their feet.
til the time when You come and i'm whole and we are one and the Fire in me is complete.
some tell me to be moderate, but lukewarm will never do.

'cos i, i know i'll blaze with You,
so i'm holding my heart out to You,
holding my heart out.

then a doubt comes to lie at the back of my mind
that i'll offer you me and you'll politely decline,
so i hasten to mute it, I'll shout and rebuke it - "away! away, away, away!"

'cos i, i know i'll blaze with You,
so i'm holding my heart out to You,
holding my heart out.